The Other Columbus: Things on which we cannot agree to disagree

Scott Woods
Bob Ross

This year will go down as perhaps the most contentious time in America since 9/11 that didn’t involve a war. I can tell not because I am sequestered in my house because of a plague, or because the police seem extra spicy these days; it’s because I’m unfriending people on Facebook.

I don’t put much stock in the Facebook friendship. The platform should change the name of the association to something less personal sounding and more in line with how most people engage in social media. “Sycophants” is a good candidate. I, of course, do not know all of the people that I am supposedly friends with. Some of my friends actively despise me, but since they won’t say it out loud, I let them hang around so long as they don’t cut up in the back seat.

For someone who isn’t particularly invested in Facebook friendships, it takes a lot for me to unfriend someone. The person has to be particularly annoying or grossly incompetent socially. The ghost itch of impending hives whenever their name shows up means they’re probably a good candidate for culling.

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The good news is that times like these make sorting out the people who need to go easy. My posts are 99 percent public (which begs the question, why request my digital friendship at all?), so my opinions are clear. If you follow me for even just a week you’re going to get a pretty good idea of where I stand on the issues of the day, and where there is a question, that is also a statement. So when I see someone posting “All Lives Matter” or a “Blue Lives Matter” flag or otherwise making a case that the fight — not the suggestion, the fight — for the matter of my Black life is somehow misplaced, I peep that energy for what it is and exorcise it out of my feed.

Social media isn’t actually a democracy, and there are things on which we cannot simply agree to disagree so that you can still have random access to pictures of my beautiful dogs.

Just so we’re all clear in my corner of the internet, here is an approved list of things on which we cannot agree to disagree; things that if you do or believe will get you cut. If you looked up one day in the last couple of months and noticed we weren’t friends anymore, you probably committed one of these sins.

All Lives Matter.

Blue Lives Matter.

Black Lives Matter is doing it all wrong.

Admitting out loud that you eat sugar grits.

Michael Jackson > Prince.

That Black people should see all cops as good until otherwise proven.

Flavor Flav serves no purpose, but Kanye West is a viable candidate for anything.

COVID-19 isn’t real.

Anything related to “Hamilton” (I just don’t care).

Dwayne Wayne was rude at Whitley’s wedding.

Jimi Hendrix isn’t the greatest electric guitar player ever.

“Get Out” is overrated.

Poetry is dead.

YouTube videos are viable research.

You should let children win at board games.

Bob Ross can’t paint.

The old “Unsolved Mysteries” is better than the new one.

FOX News is news.

Columbus isn’t gentrified; it just has a lot of poverty.

Hobbes was just Calvin’s doll.