The List: Predicting future tweets from J.D. Vance

The potential Ohio Senate candidate’s Twitter feed has become a bleak place, and we envision it becoming more so

Andy Downing
Columbus Alive
Author J.D. Vance

J.D. Vance’s Twitter account is a wild place.

Recently, the Hillbilly Elegy author, who appears primed to make a run at Sen. Rob Portman’s soon-to-be-open seat, defended Fox News talking head Tucker Carlson from blowback the pundit received for advancing the white nationalist-endorsed “great replacement” theory on-air. Days later, Vance posited that taxes on American corporations should be conditioned on how willfully they embrace Republican policies.

Rather than retreating, venture capitalist Al Borland doubled down on this point in subsequent tweets, writing, “Establishment Republican apologies for our oligarchy should always come with the following disclaimer: ‘Big Tech pays my salary,’” which is brilliant for any number of reasons, but perhaps none more so than the fact that Vance’s potential Ohio senate run has the financial backing of none other than Peter Thiel, who owes much of his own wealth to (you guessed it) Big Tech. Even if Vance was called out on the hypocrisy, he’d almost certainly dismiss it.

Oh, and he’s also full-on embraced white grievance, which absolutely fits with the ongoing love affair between Vance and Carlson.

Considering how bleak Vance’s Twitter has gotten amid his continuing hard-right lurch, we thought we’d take a stab at predicting some of his future posts on the social media platform.

“If the Steak-umms-led oligarchy hates our American values, perhaps their tax rate should be ‘beefed up’ rather than being left as thin as they slice their product.”

In response, the Steak-umms account will unleash a 25-tweet thread in which it skillfully dismantles the hollow bootstrap philosophy espoused in Hillbilly Elegy, which will then be quote-tweeted by university English professors.

“Outside of Tucker Carlson, Andrew Anglin is the only powerful figure who consistently challenges elite dogma. That is why (((they))) try to destroy him. Don’t fall for it this time, or any other.”

In a tight Republican primary, Vance tries to win the support of one of Ohio’s own.

“Growing up with Mamaw, Mr. Potato Head always had a penis. And it was made from a french fry that we would eat when we were done because waste not, want not.”

Stepping into the culture wars, we learn that playtime in the Vance household was always filled with imagination and wonder and french fry penises.

Mein Kampf was well-written, but liberal elites won’t even let you say that anymore. We have to take back the motherland. I mean heartland.”

In subsequent tweets spread over weeks, Vance will double down and post multiple photos and videos of himself reading the book to school kids, like Republicans with Dr. Seuss classics in recent times.

An image of Donald Trump hugging the flag with no accompanying text

When a picture is actually worth just barely 280 characters.

“One time, Pickles, our cat, scratched Mamaw, and the Bartonella henselae bacteria caused an infection that led to her having a fever of 103 degrees for three days. Needless to say, I liked the album better. Happy birthday to great American Ted Nugent!

*Cues “Cat Scratch Fever” and begins playing air guitar*

“I’m excited to share that the NFT of me reading the final page of Hillbilly Elegy recently sold at auction to Peter Thiel for $50 million.”

And Appalachia will see approximately none of the money.

“We must secure the existence of our people and a future for all of our children.”

This is actually 16 words. Plausible deniability!