The Daily Show: Fifty Shades of Gay

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

President Barack Obama provided some momentous news last week, as you probably heard.

“It is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same-sex couples should be able to get married,” Obama said on May 9.

Finally, an endorsement of same-sex marriage from the president of the United States. It’s a great day when the president says on national television that gay people should no longer be relegated to only planning other people’s weddings. It’s not fair; it’s like putting a cat in charge of the goldfish toss at the fair. You’re just torturing the cat — let him eat the fish or move over to Down a Clown.

Many were suggesting that the president’s hand was forced by Vice President Joe Biden — ol’ Flubs McGillicutty of the Delaware Blabbermouths — by addressing the issue on “Meet the Press” a week before Obama made his announcement.

“Would I have preferred to have done this in my own way, in my own terms? Sure, but all’s well that ends well,” said Obama.

Well there you go. Biden kind of forced his hand. A bigmouthed friend of yours said something and now everybody knows something about you that you were hoping to tell them in your own way. Congratulations Mr. President, you really have walked a mile in gay America’s shoes.

Since this was an important moment for Obama’s presidency, I’m sure Fox News was quick to s--- on it as an assault on traditional values.

“What I’m most curious about is whether Republicans would be willing to go out on a limb and try to make this a campaign issue while sitting very firmly, without much question, on the wrong side of history on it,” said Fox News’ Shepard Smith.

Wow, way to go Mr. Smith. But seriously Fox News, this isn’t what we expect from you. It’s same-sex marriage — the most divisive cultural issue of our time, remember!

“But here you go, this is the slippery slope. You legalize gay marriage, gay sex and all of that, then anybody who wants to marry five people can do it, and commune people can do it. You can marry a turtle,” said Bill O’Reilly in 2003.

Uh, no, Bill. See, Fox News used to think gay marriage would end with all of us marrying turtles. Incidentally, you think that would have gotten at least one Republican senator to support it: Mitch McConnell, R-Kentucky.

Hey my name is Mitch … why don’t cha marry me … and we can move right in to my house … I keep it on my back. Yup.

C’mon Fox, the president is supporting an attack on the institution of marriage and Christian values! Gay people cause hurricanes, remember?

“This is about getting reelected in November,” said Gretchen Carlsonon “Fox & Friends.”

And this is the true measure of how far we’ve come as a nation. In like five years the primary talking point from Republicans about people who support gay marriage has gone from, “It will destroy society via turtle f---ing,” to, “Of course you’re for it. You’ll say anything popular to get reelected.”