The Daily Show: Communist Central

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

While enjoying my Memorial Day vacation, the only news I keep up on is the latest in side boob watching. That’s why I read the Huffington Post, my one-stop source for all things side boob.

Anyway, their latest side boob scoop involved actress/musician Miley Cyrus. Next to the side boob story, I crossed a story about how Roger Ailes, the head of Fox News, said that I admitted to him in a bar that I am a socialist.

I know watching Fox News makes you misinformed, but running it doesn’t. Here’s my question: Why didn’t Ailes mention what he admitted to me? It’s been a while, so I’m paraphrasing, but it was, “Jon, did I ever tell you that I, Roger Ailes, head of Fox News, plan to undermine the role of an independent press by constantly whining that any reportage that deviates from a staunch conservative narrative is biased, while at the same time filling the editorial vacuum that creates by building a conservative propaganda juggernaut in the guise of a news organization?”

Then he said, “Jon, I’m going to call it Fox News and its tagline will be — and you’re going to love this — ‘a fanatically micromanaged media fiefdom where my own far-right agenda and personal sense of victimhood drive every aspect of the operation … and balanced.’’” It was something like that.

Then a clip was unearthed by a conservative website of me on “Larry King Live” in December 2000, where King said he thought I was a Democrat and I responded, “I think that’s correct. I think I’m more of a socialist or an independent.”

Let me explain to you what I meant by that comment, since I have at various times have described myself as socialist, independent, Whig, Rockefeller Republican, Teddy Roosevelt Democrat and contrarian a--hole.

I don’t believe in state control of industry or collectivizing farms, but I do believe that there is some value in policies that derive from a more socialist ethos. Like …

“I believe that Social Security is an essential program,” said Mitt Romney in September 2011.

Right, like Social Security — thank you, courageous comrade! I believe in a centrally planned program to ease poverty among the elderly that we all contribute to. What else …

“Medicare will save the safety net of health care coverage that our esteemed elders in this country need,” Sarah Palin said in June 2011.

Yes, see you at the meeting, Sister Sarah! The problem is that I used the term “socialism” in the year 2000, before President Barack Obama ruined it for everyone. Socialism is now the new S-word. It’s the worst thing you can call someone; it’s like the C-word and the N-word had a baby. And that baby’s name is Obamacare.

See, socialism is like cholesterol — Social Security and Medicare are the good kind; Obamacare is bad. It’s a program where everyone will be forced to buy health insurance in a competitive marketplace of private, for-profit insurance companies. It’s a Marxist dream.