The Daily Show: Drink Different

Staff Writer
Columbus Alive

It’s time for some news that only affects a single city in this country, but more importantly, it affects me. New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg wants to ban the sale of all sugary drinks larger than 16 ounces.

“They can still sell 32 ounces of sugary drink to you, but they have to put it in two containers,” Bloomberg explained on MSNBC.

Mr. Mayor, without these giant cups, where are homeless people going to poop? Are you going to tell them to take two smaller poops? I’m not.

Wow, Mayor Bloomberg. I love this idea you have of banning sodas larger than 16 ounces. It combines the draconian government overreach people love with the probable lack of results they expect. You realize the personal position you’ve put me in.

“No one would argue that you should drink nine Mountain Dews a day, but you ought to have the choice as an adult to make those decisions for yourself,” said Tucker Carlson of Fox News.

I have to agree with Carlson — you’re making me cry by having to say that, Mr. Mayor. I will never forgive you for that. Still, the larger point remains that the soda ban is a bad idea. Nobody is going to be down with it.

“I think it’s a great idea,” said “Morning Joe” co-host Mika Brzezinski.

Really, Morning Joe? You’re sponsored by Starbucks. Your sponsor’s beverages are pretty much indistinguishable from the beverages you want outlawed.

I’m all for promoting public health, but this plan makes your asinine look big. As a New Yorker, I can go on my lunch break to Carnegie Deli and order 14 pounds of pastrami garnished with seven pounds of beef tongue and the deli guy won’t go, “What?! That’s the most ridiculous, self-destructive thing a person could ever order!” He’ll just say, “Oh, you want the Mandy Patinkin.”

By the way, the meat does come with two pieces of rye bread because, you know, it’s a sandwich. It’s more like eating a cow with a rye-bread yarmulke.

Look, you mayors are the ones who got us in this obesity mess in the first place. Remember Time Square in the ’70s — strip clubs, porn theaters, pimps, hookers, flashers, smack addicts, drug dealers? You name it, we had it, and we looked great — so svelte.

And then Mayor Rudy Giuliani had to clean the place up. Well, guess what happens when you replace strip clubs and porn theaters with the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co., the unlimited breadstick mecca known as the Olive Garden and, my favorite one, the M&M store?

Why the hell is there a store that sells nothing but M&Ms? This is New York; you can buy M&Ms in any store. A store that’s nothing but M&Ms? Yeah, and I want to open up Altoids World.

So obesity is the problem now? I think I know how to solve it. Reintroduce crack. It may be “whack,” but when that weight comes off, it stays off.